2020 was the year that tested my mental strength the most. I wanted to write this post for a while now. But kept postoning it becoz I knew the moment I start typing eyes were automatically filled with tears when trying to re-live those anxious moments of last year through words once again. Gathered courage to write atleast 10% of it here.Appa suddenly had some health issues last December. I am sure this is just a temporary phase and he will bounce back stronger. Having health issues during Covid makes it even more harder. You have to be careful during hospital visits and everyone around them have to take extra precautions. The list goes on 🙁 Its like an added stress factor along with 100 other things
Having grown up watching Appa ride his Rajdoot with so much style , always active, climbing up higher in the stairs of under construction houses as a part of his civil engineering job, travelling several kms every weekend just to be with us, hates visiting hospitals or even hesitant to take Crocin and now to see him face health issues it breaks my heart. Also most of our parents never had the luxury to slow down or take a break or give importance to their well being. All they cared about was the welfare of family especially kids.
I still remember how much his earlier health scare made him emotionally weak. It took a while for him to recover. That was the time I was expecting Aadhu and being in third trimester I couldn’t travel or be with my family when they needed me the most. This time around I managed to travel and be with my parents & sibling’s family for few days. I never thought I will be able to meet them during the pandemic. Though the circumstances weren’t the same like our regular vacation am grateful for being able to spend some quality time there.
Personally I feel that nothing prepares us for moments like these. No matter how much you grow older. Ageing of parents, subtle role reversal which we start playing once they turn 60s are all inevitable.
When one suffers physically the other suffers the emotional trauma of being a care giver. Amma being Amma she makes sure she finishes off all her chores, her shloka chanting as well. Her bakthi towards The One above is what keeps her going. We all have something to hold on to. For her its the Faith towards God. There are moments when she breaks down too. As far as I have observed this is not limited to aged couples. For anyone who has to spend extra time, put extra effort to care their near & dear ones it is not easy. It drains their energy and their spirit. However they continue to do so everyday only because of the love & affection they have towards the other. If you know anyone in that position just make sure you give them your ears to listen. If you can’t physically share their workload just be there for them. Ensure you will be always there for them to rant, yell or share their feelings without having the fear of being judged. Keep your loved ones closer. Call them often or it could be the customary message exchanges Saptiya, Thoonguniya, Epdi iruka, Udamba paathuko etc but still it does makes a huge difference for the care givers.
Being Thankful for all the little good things that happened to us even in these tough times. Am sure this phase will pass on too. But being someone who is very much attached to my family there are days I go into this ‘zone’ which is very difficult to put in words. Maybe it is the guilt of not being with them or the usual ‘Why us’, ‘Why me’? kind of thoughts that makes me drown in a mode of negativity. I know there are many like me who deal with such situations when being away from family. On top of it travelling is not easier nowadays. It makes it even more difficult. I do try my best and come out of that zone within few minutes or hours or days. As always holding on to this one phrase ‘Count your blessings’ ☀️☀️
Taking a break from blogging and social media helped me a bit. As mentioned in one of my earlier posts when we are in a low personal phase sometimes certain SM posts can be really triggering. Hence took a break. Entering 12th year of blogging this space is more than just a recipe documenting website to me. When every other role (Daughter, Mom & Wife) take precedence one over another in life, this is my only solace. Something that keeps reminding me irrespective of everything happening around I need to focus on my own personal goals and ambitions too without getting lost.
While we all are going through our personal ups and downs in life I only pray and wish + hope that 2021 will atleast be kinder to all of us. Hoping normalcy returns soon in all aspects. Thank you to all those close knit of friends who kept checking on me in whatsapp, leaving voice notes and sending words of comfort. You know who you are. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me.
Also thanks to all those who messged me in insta. I shall reply to your messages soon. Please take this thank you note as a personal one until then❤️
